CHAIN RESTAURANT

ACT I
Present day. It’s a weekday evening in Boston at a chain restaurant. Slightly off stage center sits a table and chairs or the making of a booth if ambition strikes the director and set designer. If the director wants As always black boxes are acceptable for set pieces. No need for food to actually be in the dishes.

sc. 1
Lights up on the restaurant. Three friends in their twenties—KM, RP, and JP, the lone male,—sit at the table. KM may sport a Boston dialect, however, if the actor has no propensity for Boston dialects than 86 it. If David E. Kelly can pretend such a dialect doesn’t exist than so can we. Also lightly in the background should be music as if it’s cable radio or chain restaurant cd playing on repeat driving the wait staff insane.


RP
(She sits half frozen with her arm and hand in a position of drilling through a wall or as if sneaking up on someone as they sleep ready to kill them with the a drill that they’ve just used to get through the wall. She is also listening to JP and has forgotten to drop her hands from the miming she did a moment ago.)

JP
I was like, “What’s that smell?” I look on the floor, the mouse had internally bled so much that it was dead in a puddle of it’s own blood. She used a ridiculous amount of rat poison.

KM
Did you make her clean it up?

JP
No. Maria cleaned it up.

KM
I would have made her clean it up.

JP
Me too, but Maria wouldn’t leave it there. It smelt. (to RP) What are you doing?

RP
(pause at the question than realizing)
Oh. (realizing her hands are still up in the air she drops them) (a little laugh) I guess I’m still murdering you through the wall.
KM
How is a murderer going to fit through the walls that way?

RP
No, I’m outside drilling into the wall to kill you.

JP
I’m on the third floor.

RP
Like ladders don’t exist. Or climbing rope. I can’t believe you are so insane. Like the mouse shouldn’t have died that way, but a mouse and it’s little squeaking is the perfect cover for someone to come in and kill you.

(KM and JP shake their heads a laugh a bit)
(Enter server with food)
RP
What about all those girls you’re fucking?

JP
Not anymore. One is moving away and she’s really cool but she’ll be in Africa for over a year.

KM
He knew she was leaving when he met her.
(the girls do an “mmm hmm” to each other)

JP
What’s that?
(they ignore his question)
KM
She’s cool it’s too bad you didn’t get to meet her.

RP
I had to run away, (presentational) though I’ve returned. I thought you disapproved of teaching English over seas and opening bagel shops and whatnot.

JP
She’s not putting up a bagel shop. Cause the Jews steal all the money.

(They all laugh)
RP
Dave Ryder. Dude, if you’re going be a bigot at least get your stereotypes right. I think I liked him for a day or two.

KM
(said pointedly not actually a question)Who’s Dave?

(They all laugh)
(Enter WAITER with entrees)
WAITER
(to the audience) A joke you’ll get the next time someone asks who’s Dave? The are a zillion or so Daves, give or take a billion, in the world. When someone mentions one of them another person invariably asks, who’s Dave? (agreeing with audience) New Englanders.

KM
EWWW! Wait. I can’t eat this. There is a sausage on my plate get it off. I need a whole new plate. (slightly elitist) I don’t eat meat. I didn’t order a sausage. Gross.

RP
JP will eat.

KM
I still need a new plate.


(Exit WAITER)
(JP and RP look at each other)

KM
Ick (smiling and calming down) sausage. (beat) But she’s cool anyway.

RP
No, that’s cool. (slightly biting) Meaning she’s pro-choice and doesn’t believe Jesus is her savior?

KM
(maybe not getting it was a dig)
Yeah.
JP
Well, she might believe in Jesus. I don’t know. I think you’d really like Jesus.

RP
Me?

KM
I hate all that anti-women propaganda, and their Republican grip on our country. I swear if Baby George gets re-elected I’m really moving to Canada. Seriously, this time.

(JP and RP look at each other)

JP
Weren’t you all excited when you saw the Pope when we were in Rome ---

(RP looks at JP and shakes her head, to tell him don’t bring it up.)

RP
So, his girlfriend is not a Jesus Freak she has no bagel agenda and despite her possible Empirical desire to teach English to Africans she gets the KM stamp of approval.

KM
Right across her forehead. I love that I have stamp of approval.

RP
Me too.
JP
She’s not my girlfriend.

RP
Do they have e-mail in Africa?

KM
I’m sure they do.

RP
Good you can keep in touch with Teach English in Africa Girl.

KM
(in good spirits) That’s an extraordinarily long nickname.

RP
What’s her name?

JP
Amy.
KM
(sings “looking around the house…searching for signs of life but there’s nobody home.” from the Better than Ezra song playing in restaurant.)


KM
(continues to sing)
“Ah ah is it good enough for you?”
KM
(stops singing)
Oh did RP tell you?

JP
What?

KM
We’re going to be in Provincetown in 3 summers.

(WAITER enters with new plate for KM)
SERVER
(to audience as if he were a human dictionary)
Provincetown: an artist community located on the eastern most tip of Cape Cod, Massachusetts. Lots of fun (possible drink gesture after “fun”) and art to be had, with a large gay community.

(Server exits)

RP
I can’t wait until were gay. And we have our Christmas cards. Season Greetings from KM and RP. You in a ball gown me all butched out in our garden. And the cats.

JP
Actually you’ll have to have dogs, no just one. Medium sized. Are you sure you’ll be ready to leave Oregon in three years?

RP
I ‘m sure I’ll have made some good friends worthy of abandoning. And what about your other girls.

JP
Where?
RP
The ones that you’re fucking?

JP
Oh. Beth hasn’t returned my phone call in two weeks. And Erin… I don’t want to.
(does a I have awful images in my head body shake.)

KM
No. Amy was cool.

RP
Better than Kate?

KM
Yeah. Much.

RP

Good she was a pouty.

KM
Well, I liked her.

RP
How? You don’t like anybody

KM
She was fine just a little young and indecisive.

RP
She was a pouty, attention-addicted irritant.

KM
Well, whatever I liked her.

RP

Yeah.

JP
I’m in the room you know.

RP
Sorry.

JP
You know they didn’t toss my salad.

KM
They’re not supposed to.

RP
They’re not supposed to toss salad?

KM
You got Cob salad you don’t toss Cob salad it comes in strips. That’s its schtick.
(Enter Server)
SERVER
Sctick: Loosely translated from the yiddish, to mean a performer’s gimmick. But not like me I’m a theatrical device. POSSIBLY CUT THIS

(Server Exits)
RP
I love that your salad has schtick. I’m redoing me. New hair; new clothes.

KM
To help you get the bunny?

RP
I’d like to say no. I’d like to say that I’m doing it for me but, well… yeah. Or to get someone else so I’ll end this most recent patheticism.

(KM disapproves of her lack of feminism)

KM
That’s a good concise nickname. Why is he the bunny again?

RP
I thought of Monty Python’s Holy Grail and the killer rabbit and they all run away from the bunny and I was thinking I’d approach this crush differently. Ya know instead of running in the corner and hiding I would confront him and stand there and take the ravaging.

KM
I want to be ravaged.

(they laugh)
JP
How’s that working out for you?

RP
The outcome seems to be the same. And then Julie said, “it’s also like Swingers. Where he’s a bear or tiger and the girls at the bar are little defenseless bunnies.”

KM
God I hated that movie. Misogynists.

JP
Since when do you watch movies?

KM
My sister and brother made we watch it last Thanksgiving.

JP
(he burps)
RP
Safety!.
(the three of them rush to put their thumbs on their foreheads JP is last the girls lightly punch him the arm)
JP
I’m not last yet.


KM
He’s in Oregon? We could bring him here.

RP
But why would he be in Boston. When I bought the ticket out here months ago I did secretly fantasize he’d come with me. We’re still not dating. God I’m really good at not dating boys.

JP
Yeah you are.

KM
He’d realize he couldn’t live without you and knew that you might not return from your beloved East Coast so he’s come to confess his undying love for you and whisk you back.

RP
Who’s the victim of Romantic Comedies at the table?

KM
That’s why I said it. I thought you’d like it.

RP
But where is the sexual tension? God Romantic Comedies have ruined my life.

JP
(laughs)
I love that you’ve been destroyed by a movie genre.

KM
You know they don’t turn the car around in life. They don’t get on the plane or stop the elevator door. Mama Cas died never marrying, or sleeping with, for that matter, Pappa Denny. That’s truth; that’s life. Hollywood has girls sitting by their phones, instead of taking control of their destiny and going out and getting what they want.

JP
That’s why I love…oh shit. What’s the name of that movie? With Eric Stoltz and Parker Posie, and the dings. (in a female Texan dialect ) Stop playing those stupid games. (end dialect) Remember when you chased Brittany down and hit her in the back of the head?

KM
(she snickers)

RP
She hit me first (defensively). She didn’t play by the rules. I lightly hit her for “Safety” then she wailed me back.

JP
No, it was awesome.

KM
She needed to be hit. Many times.

RP
What about you?

KM
Depends on who’s doing the hitting.

RP
No, not the hitting. Scott.

KM
He’s scared of me.

RP
At least he’s in town. You name your boys after you’re done with them. Pissy Face (laughs to herself) Let’s have Scott come in and say “I was a fool. Sorry to have messed with your head like that. You’re right I was scared, but I’m over it and want to spend the rest of our lives together making it up to you.”

(they both kind of chuckle)

KM
If he came in and said that, first I’d vomit and then send him on his way.

RP
That would resolve the issue either anyway. It looks like we’re all pining once again.

JP
I don’t pine. If someone’s unavailable I decide against them.

RP
And find them guilty? What about the cool girl?

JP
I’m not longing for her.

RP
You always have to be difficult. How about “cool girl” for her nickname?

JP
(a little laugh)
We’re going to call her cool girl?

KM
Sounds like she’s frigid. How about we just call her Amy?

RP
You really are smoking the crack pipe, today. Romantic interests always have to have a nickname. It distances them slightly from us.

KM
PFff!


(Lights down)

Sc ii
Same chain restaurant, later in the evening. The plates have been cleared. They wait for the check.

RP
I wasn’t drinking the water. It was not even opened.

KM
Yeah, but that’s the rule. You’re not even supposed to have food of any kind in there at all.

RP
That’s bullshit.

KM
No, that’s the rule, if you don’t like it you don’t have to go there.

RP
No, it’s bullshit because I could have taken my bottle of water – which wasn’t even opened—to the courtyard, and the only way to the courtyard is through the inside of the library. So you can have food.

KM
Yeah you have to sneak it in.

RP
No you’re allowed to have food in the courtyard so you can food in your possession.

KM
I don’t know. I just know that the list of rules posted in the front lobby of the library say you can’t have food at all.

JP
And I never learned to read (over dramatically)
(he laughs the girls ignore him)
RP
Whatever, it pissed me off. Then he yelled at me for having my leg resting on the table, my feet were no where near any of the furniture. So I removed my feet, which angered me because I was cowering to the man, later on I realized I was sitting Indian style on the chair, with my shoes digging into the chair, and mister library Gestapo said nothing.

JP
I hate when rules are inconsistent like that. And what the fuck is it with that ridiculous security check?

KM
I know they should do more to see if you’ve stolen a library book.

RP
More? They should do less. It violates all my rights of privacy.

JP
Well, if they’re going to have a security card checking to see if you’ve stolen something he should actually, look in your bag, or else what is his purpose?

KM
Well, it’s better than nothing. He acts as a deterrent.

RP
To who? Dude, it’s all bullshit. I’m innocent until proven guilty. My going to the library is not suspicious behavior. I’ve done nothing to warrant any kind of search no matter how lame that search is.

JP
It definitely isn’t a deterrent. I stole a reference book a month or so ago.

KM
Why?

JP
I needed the book and they don’t let you take it out, so I removed the little magnetic thing that makes the detectors go off I put it in my bag and flashed my open bag to the guy and walked on home. I brought it back when I was done with it.

KM
Yeah, but you’re smarter than the average person. And more cunning. Like someone who was thinking about stealing a book would show signs, like acting nervous or weird as he tries to get away with the book, once confronted by the security guard.

RP
What? Even if that was true that guilty people act guilty, that security guard would not pick up on it at all.

KM
I’m sure he would. Where’s the waiter with the check?
(she burps)
RP
Safety!

(they all rush to put their thumbs on their heads. KM is last. They all punch her. Slightly harder than JP was punched in the first safety.)

JP
I’m not last yet. Remember when we used to make everyone compliment the victim after we punched them.

KM
Yeah, with a little laugh.

RP
Yeah, I hated that.

JP
I know that’s why we did it.

RP
Thanks.

(they sit in silence waiting for the waiter, slightly seething)
(Enter the waiter)
WAITER
Hey can I get you guys any dessert?

KM
No, just the check.

WAITER
OK.

(he exits)
RP
How about we split it three ways this time?

KM
We should pay for what we ate.

RP
It all evens out by the time we’re not friends anymore. We split those god awful appetizers.

KM
Well, were not all rich like you?

RP
What does that mean?

KM
Nothing, but I can’t afford to pay for other people’s food.

JP
I know you barely tip the wait staff.

RP
I’m the one who would get screwed today. I didn’t have a soda and my dish was cheaper.

KM
Fuck both of you.

JP
What did I say?

KM
You called me cheap.

JP
No I was agreeing with you. You’re not rich, you can’t even afford to tip.

KM
Yeah that’s calling me cheap. In your own non-confrontational, passive aggressive way.

JP
Not passive aggressive.

RP
No, I just had to break up with Britany for you.

JP
No you didn’t.

RP
Yeah, I did. She thought you were still dating a month after you “ended” it.

JP
It’s not my fault she’s stupid.

RP
She’s not stupid. You just refused to tell her that you didn’t want to date her anymore, kept the sex door open.

KM
So true. You always keep the sex door open.

JP
What do you know about it? You weren’t even there. You never talked to Britany. You two are so judgmental. You never like the girls I date.

RP
What are you talking about? KP just said she liked cool girl. In fact we named her cool girl.

KM
YOU name her cool girl. Always have to have your way.

JP
I’m sure than you wouldn’t like her.

RP
You don’t know that. I guess being alone all the time I got used to my own way. And like any of you liked the lumberjack.

KM
He was weird.
JP
When did I say I didn’t like him?

RP
Remember when I was stalking him? And I heard a girl’s voice on his answering machine and I wondered if it was his roommate or a girlfriend. And you said. “RP, really who would date him?” pause. Pause. Realize what you said. “I mean besides you.”

KM
That’s cause you’re egocentric.

RP
Like you cared that JP didn’t like Mike.

KM
You didn’t like Mike?

JP
No, he was a republican, ex-frat boy.

KM
You’re an ex-frat boy.

RP
They weren’t a real frat.

JP
We were too. Just because we didn’t have keggers.

RP
No you had wine and cheese parties. And all the brothers could fit on your bed at once.

KM
And went on retreats to read poetry to each other.

RP
How Dead Poets of you.

JP
OK miss “romantic comedies have ruined my life.”

KM
That is kind of hypocritical of you.

RP
Those words did not just come out of your mouth.

JP
Right.

KM
What?

RP
Shall I remind you of the sausage incident in the last scene?

KM
What the are you talking about?

RP
When you flipped out on the waiter for putting an English sausage on your dish with your eggs. The cook misread her bagel for a bangor. And you had a hissy fit.

KM
So I’m a vegetarian, I didn’t want meat anywhere near the food I was going to ingest.

JP
You ate a hot dog with me yesterday.
RP
You are always eating meat.

KM
No.

RP
Yes.

(lights out)

Sc iii
Lights up on the three at the resturaunt. The check still hasn’t arrived.

RP
Unh uh.

KM
Ah huh.

JP
(shrugs his shoulders)


RP
Unh uh.

KM
Ah huh.

JP
(shrugs his shoulders)

RP

Unh uh.
KM
Ah huh.

JP
(shrugs his shoulders)

RP

Unh uh.
KM
Ah huh.

JP
(shrugs his shoulders than he burbs)


RP
Safety!

(They all put their thumbs on their foreheads. And then they all bunch each other really hard)

RP
That’s not the game.

KM
Fuck you and you’re stupid games.

JP
OK. Brittany.

KM
And fuck you too.

(RP punches them both back)

RP
I wasn’t last.

(They hit her back and she hits them and they hit each other and this eventually dissolves into a roll around on the floor fight with hair pulling, biting and all that jazz. I’d love some crazy green and blue flashing lights during the fight and maybe some violent sounding music)

(The waiter enters with the check)

WAITER
Hey! Hey! Hey! Stop it!

(they do not stop. He tries to pull them off of each other. He is unsuccessful. He exits and returns with water and dumps a glass of it on them. The stop)

RP
You did not just throw water at them.

KM
Yeah, these are my friends you can’t just assualt them like that.

JP
We’re customers.

WAITER
You guys were beating on each other.


JP
We’ve known each other for years.

WAITER
(He drops the check at the table and exits)

KM
Can you believe that guy?

RP
Really? You have a little blood under you nose there.

KM
Thanks.


JP
I’ve never been in a fistfight in my life.

RP
Now you have.

KM
Glad we could help.

JP
Sometimes you know people for ten years and a little hostility builds up.

RP
And few fists must fall.

KM
Why did you move away?
RP
I wasn’t doing anything here. I don’t know. There’s a world full of boys to obsess over. I needed to runaway to find another.
KM
Maybe I should runaway.

JP
You’ll never leave Boston. Hell, I may never leave Boston.

RP
You guys shouldn’t. Only an idiot leaves the people and the place they care about.

JP
You’re having an adventure.

RP
KM, you have to stay you may still have a chance with Sylvester.

KM
Who?

RP
Scott’s new nickname, because he’s a scaredy cat.

JP
Sylvester wasn’t scarred he terrorized Tweedy.

RP
Sure he was, in the one with Porky Pig where they stay at a haunted hotel and Porky is oblivious to the entire demonic goings on.

KM
I only remember him with Tweedy and the old woman with the hat.

RP
You had to have seen the ones where he thinks a baby kangaroo is a mouse, and it kicks his ass repeatedly.

JP
Kicking and Screaming.
KM
What?

JP
The name of the movie with Eric Stoltz and Parker Posey, with the ding game that Brittany hated. And he tries to get on the plane to get the girl but he doesn’t have passport.
RP
That’s it.
KM
We’re not really calling him Sylvester.

RP
After he breaks your heart for good.

JP
No, then we’ll have to call him “Pissy face.”
(they laugh)
KM
No, that name is already taken.


(Lights go to half. Enter Waiter. Spot on Waiter. The threesome continue to pretend to talk)

WAITER
Who would date these three…I mean besides a bunny, the teach English in Africa girl and a cartoon cat? Actually not even them.

(lights out)